Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
