just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
