Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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