I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
