the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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