FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Pants are for mortals
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
