Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
