Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
