I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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