Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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