In America we eat man semen.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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