I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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