the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
