Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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