Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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