I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
