I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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