walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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