i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
