1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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