my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My bed smells like the plague
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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