Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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