My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
