I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
