he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
