I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
