my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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