You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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