There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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