Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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