6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
...so i touched it.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
