A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
