Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
