why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
