Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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