Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
