You smell like a Billy Joel song
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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