We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
