lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Just pee around me
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
