I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
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