How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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