Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
