today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
