feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
