Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
be right there i have to get my cape
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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