He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
