this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
