What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
