What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
