I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
