i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
